Monsieur D'Olive Act 2

DICQUE: What an order is this! Eleven o'clock at night
is our lady's morning and her hour to rise at, as in the morning
it is other ladies' hour. These tapers are our suns, with
which we call her from her bed. But I pray thee, Licette,
what makes the virgin lady, my lady's sister, break wind
so continually, and sigh so tempestuously? I believe she's
in love.

DICQUE: Not very well, but certes, that's her disease; a
man may cast her water in her face. The truth is, 'tis no ... [II.1.10]
matter what she is, for there is little goodness in her; I
could never yet finger one cardecu of her bounty. And,
indeed, all bounty nowadays is dead amongst ladies. This
same Bonitas is quite put down amongst 'em. But see,
now we shall discover the heaviness of this virgin lady;
I'll eavesdrop, and, if it be possible, hear who is her lover,;
for when this same amorous spirit possesses these young
people, they have no other subject to talk of.
[They retire. Enter Marcellina and Eurione]

EURIONE: Oh, sister, would that matchless Earl ever have
wronged his wife with jealousy? ... [II.1.20]

EURIONE: Good Lord, what difference is in men! But such
a man as this was never seen, to love his wife even after
death so dearly, to live with her in death! To leave the
world and all his pleasures, all his friends and honors, as
all were nothing, now his wife is gone! Is't not strange?

EURIONE: But sister, should not the noble man be chronicled
if he had right; I pray you, sister, should he not?

EURIONE: And do not you delight to hear him spoken of,
and praised, and honored? Do you not, madam?

EURIONE: Why, very well; and should not every woman
that loves the sovereign honor of her sex, delight to hear
him praised as well as we? Good madam, answer heartily.

EURIONE: Talk so? Why should not every lady talk so?
You think, belike, I love the noble man,
Heaven is my judge if I -- indeed, his love
And honor to his wife so after death
Would make a fairy love him, yet not love,
But think the better of him, and sometimes
Talk of his love or so; but you know, madam,
I called her sister, and if I love him,
It is but as my brother, I protest.

VANDOME: [Within.] Let me come in. ... [II.1.50]
: [Within.] ~~~ Sir, you must not enter.

[SERVANT]: ~~~ Madam, there's one at door
That asks to speak with you, admits no answer,
But will enforce his passage to your honor.

MARCELLINA: What insolent guest is that?
: ~~~ Who should he be
That is so ignorant of our worth and custom?
[Enter another Servant.]

[2 SERVANT]: Madam, here's one hath drawn his rapier on us,
And will come in, he says.
: ~~~ This is strange rudeness.
What is his name? Do you not know the man?

[2 SERVANT]: ~~~ No, madam, 'tis too dark.
: ~~~~~~ Then take a light. ... [II.1.60]
See if you know him; if not, raise the streets.
[Exit Licette, walks with a candle.]

EURIONE: And keep the door safe. What night-walker'[s] this,
That hath not light enough to see his rudeness?
[Enter Licette, in haste.]

LICETTE: Oh, madam, 'tis the noble gentleman,
Monsieur Vandome, your servant.
: ~~~ Is it he?
Is he returned?
: ~~~ Haste, commend me to him;
Tell him I may not nor will not see him,
For I have vowed the contrary to all.

LICETTE: Madam, we told him so a hundred times,
Yet he will enter. ... [II.1.70]

VANDOME: What hour is this? What fashion? What sad life?
What superstition of unholy vow?
What place is this? Oh, shall it e'er be said
Such perfect judgment should be drowned in humor?
Such beauty consecrate to bats and owls?
Here lies the weapon that enforced my passage.
[Throwing down the sword.]
Sought in my love, sought in regard of you,
For whom I will endure a thousand deaths ... [II.1.80]
Rather than suffer you to perish thus
And be the fable of the scornful world;
If I offend you, lady, kill me now.

MARCELLINA: What shall I say? Alas, my worthy servant!
I would to God I had not lived to be
A fable to the world, a shame to thee.

MARCELLINA: I will not hear a word.
: ~~~ Strange will in women!
[Exit Marcellina, with Licette, Dicque, and Servants.]
What says my honorable virgin sister? ... [II.1.90]
How is it you can brook this bat-like life,
And sit as one without life?
: ~~~ Would I were!
If any man would kill me, I'd forgive him.

VANDOME: Oh true fit of a maiden melancholy!
Whence comes it, lovely sister?
: ~~~ In my mind
Yourself hath small occasion to be merry,
That are arrived on such a hapless shore,
As bears the dead weight of so dear a sister;
For whose decease, being my dear sister vowed,
I shall forever lead this desolate life. ... [II.1.100]

VANDOME: Now heaven forbid; women in love with women!
Love's fire shines with too mutual a refraction,
And both ways weakens his cold beams too much
To pierce so deeply; 'tis not for her, I know,
That you are thus impassioned.

VANDOME: Ay, marry, sir, a quick man may do much
In these kind of impressions.
: ~~~ See how idly
You understand me! These same travelers,
That can live anywhere, make jests of anything, ... [II.1.110]
And cast so far from home for nothing else
But to learn how they may cast off their friends!
She had a husband does not cast her off so;
Oh, tis a rare, a noble gentleman!

[VANDOME]: Well, well, there is some other humor stirring
In your young blood than a dead woman's love.

EURIONE: No, I'll be sworn!
: ~~~ Why, is it possible
That you, whose frolic breast was ever filled
With all the spirits of a mirthful lady,
Should be with such a sorrow so transformed? ... [II.1.120]
Your most sweet hand in touch of instruments
Turned to pick straws, and fumble upon rushes?
Your heavenly voice turned into heavy sighs,
And your rare wit, too, in a manner tainted?
This cannot be; I know some other cause
Fashions this strange effect, and that myself
Am born to find it out and be your cure
In any wound it forceth whatsoever;
But if you will not tell me, at your peril! [He offers to go.]

EURIONE: No, 'tis no matter
: ~~~ So then! [Going.]
: ~~~~~~ Do you hear?
Assured you are my kind and honored brother,
I'll tell you all.
: ~~~ Oh, will you do so then?

EURIONE: No, 'tis a trifle that torments one thus!
Did ever man ask such a question
When he had brought a woman to this pass?

VANDOME: Well, if it be, I will engage my quarters
With a fair lady's ever: tell the secret. ... [II.1.140]

EURIONE: Attending oftentimes the Duke and Duchess,
To visit the most passionate Earl your brother,
That noble gentleman --
: ~~~ Well said, put in that!

EURIONE: Put it in? Why? I'faith, y'are such a man,
I'll tell no further; you are changed indeed.
A traveler, quoth you?
: ~~~ Why, what means this?
Come, lady, forth! I would not lose the thanks,
The credit, and the honor I shall have
For that most happy good I know in fate
I am to furnish thy desires withal, ... [II.1.150]
For all this house in gold.
: ~~~ Thank you, good brother!
Attending (as I say) the Duke and Duchess
To the sad Earl --
: ~~~ That noble gentleman?

EURIONE: Why, ay! Is he not?
: ~~~ Beshrew my heart, else!
'The Earl,' quoth you, 'he cast not off his wife!'

EURIONE: When I observed his constancy in love,
His honor of his dear wife's memory,
His woe for her, his life with her in death, ... [II.1.160]
I grew in love, even with his very mind.

VANDOME: A good mind certainly is a good thing;
And a good thing you know --
: ~~~ That is the chief;
The body without that, alas, is nothing;
And this his mind cast such a fire into me,
That it hath half consumed me, since it loved
His wife so dearly, that was dear to me.
And ever I am saying to myself,
'How more than happy should that woman be, ... [II.1.170]
That had her honored place in his true love!'
But as for me, I know I have no reason
To hope for such an honor at his hands.

VANDOME: What, at the Earl's hands? I think so, indeed.
Heaven, I beseech thee, was your love so simple
T'inflame itself with him? Why, he's a husband
For any princess, any queen or empress;
The ladies of this land would tear him piecemeal
(As did the drunken froes the Thracian harper)
To marry but a limb, a look of him. ... [II.1.180]
Heaven's my sweet comfort, set your thoughts on him?

EURIONE: Oh cruel man, dissembling traveler!
Even now you took upon you to be sure
It was in you to satisfy my longings,
And whatsoever 'twere, you would procure it.
Oh, you were born to do me good, you know;
You would not lose the credit and the honor
You should have by my satisfaction
For all this house in gold; the very Fates
And you were all one in your power to help me. ... [II.1.190]
And now to come and wonder at my folly,
Mock me, and make my love impossible!
Wretch that I was, I did not keep it in!

VANDOME: Alas, poor sister! When a grief is grown
Full home and to the deepest, then it breaks,
And joy, sun-like, out of a black cloud shineth.
But couldst thou think, i'faith, I was in earnest
To esteem any man without the reach
Of thy far-shooting beauties? Any name
Too good to subscribe to Eurione? ... [II.1.200]
Here is my hand; if ever I were thought
A gentleman, or would be still esteemed so,
I will so virtuously solicit for thee,
And with such cunning wind into his heart,
That I sustain no doubt I shall dissolve
His settled melancholy, be it ne'er so grounded
On rational love and grave philosophy;
I know my sight will cheer him at the heart,
In whom a quick form of my dear dead sister
Will fire his heavy spirits. And all this ... [II.1.210]
May work that change in him that nothing else
Hath hope to joy in; and so farewell, sister,
Some few days hence I'll tell thee how I speed.

EURIONE: Thanks, honored brother; but you shall not go
Before you dine with your best-loved mistress.
Come in, sweet brother.
: ~~~ In to dinner now?
Midnight would blush at that; farewell, farewell!

EURIONE: Dear brother, do but drink or taste a banquet;
I'faith, I have most excellent conserves;
You shall come in, in earnest; stay a little; ... [II.1.220]
Or will you drink some cordial stilled waters
After your travel? Pray thee, worthy brother,
Upon my love you shall stay! Sweet, now enter.

VANDOME: Not for the world! Commend my humble service,
And use all means to bring abroad my mistress.

Scene II.2 [A Room at the Court.]
[Enter [Duke] Philip, Jacqueline, Hieronime, and Mugeron.
Jacqueline and Hieronime sit down to work.]

DUKE: Come, Mugeron, where is this worthy statesman,
That you and Roderigue would persuade
To be our worthy agent into France.
The color we shall lay on it t'inter
the body of the long-deceased Countess,
The French King's niece, whom her kind husband keeps
With such great cost and care from burial,
Will show as probable as can be thought.
Think you he can be gotten to perform it?

MUGERON: Fear not, my lord; the wizard is as forward ... [II.2.10]
To usurp greatness, as all greatness is
To abuse virtue, or as riches honor.
You cannot load the ass with too much honor.
He shall be yours, my lord; Roderigue and I
Will give him to your Highness for your foot-cloth.

MUGERON: It is is humor, sir; for he says still,
His jocund mind loves pleasure above honor,
His swing of liberty, above his life.
It is not safe (says he) to build his nest ... [II.2.20]
So near the eagle; his mind is his kingdom,
His chamber is a court of all good wits;
And many such rare sparks of resolution
He blesseth his most loved self withal,
As presently your Excellence shall hear.
But this is one thing I had half forgotten,
With which your Highness needs must be prepared:
I have discoursed with him about the office
Of an ambassador, and he stands on this,
That when he once hath kissed your Highness' hand ... [II.2.30]
And taken his dispatch, he then presents
Your Highness' person, hath your place and power,
Must put his hat on, use you as you him;
That you may see before he goes how well
He can assume your presence and your greatness.

MUGERON: Ay, and upon you too, and kiss your Duchess,
As you use at your parting.
: ~~~ Out upon him!
She will not let him kiss her.
: ~~~ He will kiss her
To do your person right.
: ~~~ It will be excellent; ... [II.2.40]
She shall not know this till her offer it.

MUGERON: See, see, he comes!
[Enter Roderigue, Monsieur D'Olive, and Pacque.]
: ~~~ Here is the gentleman
Your Highness doth desire to do you honor
In the presenting of your princely person,
And going Lord Ambassador to th' French King.

DUKE: Is this the gentleman whose worth so highly
You recommend to our election?

AMBO: This is the man, my lord.
: ~~~ We understand, sir,
We have been wronged by being kept so long
From notice of your honorable parts, ... [II.2.50]
Wherein your country claims a deeper int'rest
Than your mere private self; what makes wise Nature
Fashion in men these excellent perfections
Of haughty courage, great wit, wisdom incredible --

DUKE: But that she aims therein at public good;
And you in duty thereto, of yourself,
Ought to have made us tender of your parts,
And not entomb them, tyrant-like, alive.

RODERIGUE: We for our parts, my lord, are not in fault, ... [II.2.60]
For we have sp[u]rned him forward evermore,
Letting him know how fit an instrument
He was to play upon in stately music.

MUGERON: And if he had been ought else but an ass,
Your Grace ere this time long had made him great:
Did not we tell you this?

D'OLIVE: ~~~ Oftentimes:
But, sure, my honored lord, the times before
Were not as now they be, thanks to our fortune
That we enjoy so sweet and wise a prince
As is your gracious self; for then 'twas policy ... [II.2.70]
To keep all wits of hope still under hatches,
Far from the Court, lest their exceeding parts
Should overshine those that were then in place;
And 'twas our happiness that we might live so;
For in that freely-choosed obscurity
We found our safety, which men most of note
Many times lost; and I, alas, for my part,
Shrunk my despised head in my poor shell;
For your learned Excellence, I know, knows well
Qui bene latuit, bene vicit, still. ... [II.2.80]

DUKE: 'Twas much you could contain yourself, that had
So great means to have lived in greater place.

D'OLIVE: Faith, sir, I had a poor roof or a pent-house
To shade me from the sun, and three or four tiles
To shroud me from the rain, and thought myself
As private as I had King G[yges'] ring
And could have gone invisible, yet saw all
That passed our State's rough sea, both near and far;
There saw I our great galliasses tossed
Upon the wallowing waves, up with one billow, ... [II.2.90]
And then down with another; our great men
Like to a mass of clouds that now seem like
An elephant, and straightways like an ox,
And then a mouse, or like those changeable creatures
That live in the bordello, now in satin,
Tomorrow next in stammel;
When I sat all this while in my poor cell,
Secure of lightning or the sudden thunder,
Conversed with the poor Muses, gave a scholar
Forty o[r] fifty crowns a year to teach me, ... [II.2.100]
And prate to me about the predicables,
When, indeed, my thoughts flew a higher pitch
Than genus and species; as by this taste
I hope your Highness happily perceives,
And shall hereafter more at large approve
If any worthy opportunity
Make but her foretop subject to my hold;
And so I leave your Grace to the tuition
Of Him that made you. [Going.]
: ~~~ Soft, good sir, I pray!
What says your Excellence to this gentleman? ... [II.2.110]
Have I not made my word good to your Highness?

DUKE: Well, sir, however envious policy
Hath robbed my predecessors of your service,
You must not scape my hands, that have designed
Present employment for you; and 'tis this:
'Tis not unknown unto you with what grief
We take the sorrow of the Earl Saint Anne
For his deceased wife, with whose dead sight
He feeds his passion, keeping her from right
Of Christian burial, to make his eyes ... [II.2.120]
Do penance by their everlasting tears
For losing the dear sight of her quick beauties.

D'OLIVE: Well spoke, i'faith! Your Grace must give me leave
To praise your wit, for, faith, 'tis rarely spoken!

DUKE: The better for your good commendation.
But, sir, your embassy to the French King
Shall be to this effect; thus you shall say --

D'OLIVE: Not so! Your Excellence shall pardon me;
I will not have my tale put in my mouth.
If you'll deliver me your mind in gross, ... [II.2.130]
Why, so; I shall express it as I can.
I warrant you, 'twill be sufficient.

DUKE: 'Tis very good; then sir, my will in gross
Is that in pity of the sad Countess' case,
The King would ask the body of his niece
To give it funeral fitting her high blood,
Which (as yourself requires and reason wills)
I leave to be enforced and amplified
With all the ornaments of art and nature,
Which flows, I see, in your sharp intellect.

D'OLIVE: Alas, you cannot see't in this short time, ... [II.2.140]
But there be some not far hence, that have seen
And heard me too, ere now: I could have wished
Your Highness' presence in a private conventicle
At what time the high point of state was handled.

D'OLIVE: It was my hap to make a number there
Myself (as every other gentleman)
Being interested in that grave affair,
Where I delivered my opinion: how well -- ... [II.2.150]

[DUKE]: What was the matter, pray?

D'OLIVE: ~~~ The matter, sir,
Was of an ancient subject, and yet newly
Called into question; and 'twas this in brief:
We sat, as I remember, all in rout.
All sorts of men together:
A squire and a carpenter, a lawyer and a sawyer,
A merchant and a broker, a justice and a peasant,
And so forth, without all difference.

D'OLIVE: 'Faith, a stale argument, though newly handled; ... [II.2.160]
And I am fearful I shall shame myself,
The subject is so threadbare.
: ~~~ 'Tis no matter,
Be as it will; go to the point, I pray.

D'OLIVE: Then thus it is: the question of estate
(Or the state of the question) was in brief
Whether in an aristocracy,
Or in an democratical estate,
Tobacco might be brought to lawful use.
But had you heard the excellent speeches there
Touching this part --

RODERIGUE: ~~~ Pray thee to the point! ... [II.2.170]

D'OLIVE: First to the point then,
Upstart a weaver, blown up b' inspiration,
That had borne office in the congregation,
A little fellow, and yet great in spirit;
I never shall forget him, for he was
A most hot-livered enemy to tobacco,
His face was like the ten of diamonds,
Pointed each where with pushes; and his nose
Was like the ace of clubs (which I must tell you
Was it that set him and tobacco first ... [II.2.180]
At such hot enmity); for that nose of his
(According to the Puritanic cut,)
Having a narrow bridge, and this tobacco,
Being in drink, durst not pass by, and finding stopped
His narrow passage, fled back as it came
And went away in pet.
: ~~~ Just cause of quarrel!

D'OLIVE: The weaver, sir, much like a virginal jack
Start nimbly up; the color of his beard
I scarce remember; but purblind he was ... [II.2.190]
With the Geneva print, and wore one ear
Shorter than t'other for a difference.

D'OLIVE: He was so, sir, and hotly he inveighed
Against tobacco (with a most strong breath,
For he had eaten garlic the same morning,
As 'twas his use, partly against ill airs,
Partly to make his speeches savory),
Said 'twas a pagan plant, a profane weed,
And a most sinful smoke, that had no warrant ... [II.2.200]
Out of the Word; invented, sure, by Satan
In these our latter days to cast a mist
Before men's eyes that they might not behold
The grossness of old superstition,
Which is, as 'twere, derived into the Church
From the foul sink of Romish popery,
And that it was a judgment on our land
That the substantial commodities
And mighty blessings of this realm of France,
Bells, rattles, hobby-horses, and such like, ... [II.2.210]
Which had brought so much wealth into the land,
Should now be changed into the smoke of vanity,
The smoke of superstition: for his own part
He held a garlic clove, being sanctified,
Did edify more the body of a man
Than a whole ton of this profane tobacco,
Being ta'en without thanksgiving; in a word
He said it was a rag of popery,
And none that were truly regenerate would
Profane his nostrils with the smoke thereof; ... [II.2.220]
And speaking of your Grace behind your back,
He charged and conjured you to see the use
Of vain tobacco banished from the land,
For fear lest, for the great abuse thereof,
Our candle were put out; and therewithal
Taking his handkerchief to wipe his mouth
As he had told a lie, he tuned his noise
To the old strain, as if he were preparing
For a new exercise; but I myself
(Angry to hear this generous tobacco, ... [II.2.230]
The gentleman's saint and the soldier's idol,
So ignorantly polluted) stood me up,
Took some tobacco for a compliment,
Brake phlegm some twice or thrice, then shook mine ears,
And licked my lips, as if I begged attention,
And so, directing me to your sweet Grace,
Thus I replied: --

MUGERON: ~~~ Room for a speech there! Silence!

D'OLIVE: I am amused; or I am in a quandary, gentlemen,
(for in good faith I remember not well whether of them
was my words) -- ... [II.2.240]

D'OLIVE: Whether I should (as the poet says) eloquar an
siliam; whether by answering a fool I should myself seem
no less; or by giving way to his wind (for words are but
wind) might betray the cause; to the maintenance whereof
all true Trojans (from whose race we claim our descent) owe
all their patrimonies, and if need be, their dearest blood and
their sweetest breath. -- I would not be tedious to your
Highness. ... [II.2.250]

D'OLIVE: Tobacco, that excellent plant, the use whereof
(as of fift element) the world cannot want, is that little
shop of Nature, wherein her whole workmanship is abridged,
where you may see earth kindled into fire, the fire breathe
out an exhalation, which, ent'ring in at the mouth, walks
through the regions of a man's brain, drives out all ill vapors
but itself, draws down all bad humors by the mouth, which
in time might breed a scab over the whole body, if already
they have not; a plant of singular use; for, on the one side, ... [II.2.260]
Nature being an enemy to vacuity and emptiness, and on
the other, there being so many empty brains in the world
as there are, how shall Nature's course be continued? How
shall these empty brains be filled but with air, Nature's
immediate instrument to that purpose? If with air, what
so proper as your fume? What fume so healthful as your
perfume? What perfume so sovereign as tobacco? Besides
the excellent edge it gives a man's wit (as they can
best judge that have been present at a feast of tobacco,
where commonly all good wits are consorted) what variety ... [II.2.270]
of discourse it begets, what sparks of wit it yields, it is a
world to hear! As likewise to the courage of a man; for
if it be true that Johannes [Savonarola] writes, that he that
drinks verjuice pisseth vinegar, then it must needs follow
to be as true, that he that eats smoke farts fire. For garlic
I will not say, because it is a plant of our own country, but
it may cure the diseases of the country; but for the diseases
of the Court, they are out of the element of garlic to
medicine. To conclude, as there is no enemy to tobacco
but garlic, so there is no friend to garlic but a sheep's head; ... [II.2.280]
and so I conclude.

DUKE: Well, sir, if this be but your natural vein,
I must confess I knew you not indeed,
When I made offer to instruct your brain
For the ambassage, and will trust you now,
If 'twere to send you forth to the Great Turk
With an ambassage.

D'OLIVE: ~~~ But, sir, in conclusion,
'Twas ordered for my speech, that since tobacco
Had so long been in use, it should thenceforth
Be brought to lawful use; but limited thus: ... [II.2.290]
That none should dare to take it but a gentleman,
Or that he that had some gentlemanly humor,
The murr, the headache, the catarrh, the bone-ache,
Or other branches of the sharp salt rheum
Fitting a gentleman.
: ~~~ Your Grace has made choice
Of a most simple Lord Ambassador!

DUKE: Well, sir, you need not look for a commission,
My hand shall well dispatch you for this business;
Take now the place and state of an ambassador,
Present our person and perform our charge; ... [II.2.300]
And so farewell, good Lord Ambassador!

D'OLIVE: How now, you baggage? 'Sfoot, are you so coy
To the Duke's person, to his second self?
Are you too good, dame, to enlarge yourself
Unto your proper object? 'Slight, 'twere a good deed --

DUKE: Sweet love, be pleased; you do not know this lord.
Give me thy hand, my lord.

DUKE: Now go thy ways for an ambassador.
[Exit Philip, Jacqueline, Hieronime.]

RODERIGUE: Why, this was well performed and like a duke,
Whose person you most naturally present.

D'OLIVE: I told you I would do't; now I'll begin
To make the world take notice I am noble;
The first thing I will do, I'll swear to pay
No debts, upon my honor.

D'OLIVE: But if I knew where I might pawn mine honor
For some odd thousand crowns, it shall be laid;
I'll pay't again when I have done withal.
Then 'twill be expected I shall be of some religion,
I must think of some for fashion, or for faction sake,
As it becomes great personages to do;
I'll think upon't betwixt this and the day.

RODERIGUE: Well said, my lord! This lordship of yours will
work a mighty alteration in you; do you not feel it begins
to work already? ... [II.2.330]

D'OLIVE: 'Faith, only in this: it makes me think how they
that were my companions before, shall now be my favorites;
they that were my friends before, shall now be my followers;
they that were my servants before, shall now be my knaves;
but they that were my creditors before, shall remain my
creditors still.

D'OLIVE: Faith, I do not care if I to and make a face or
two there, or a few graceful legs, speak a little Italian, and ... [II.2.340]
away; there's all a presence doth require. [Exeunt.]

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